The past few months have been one big rollercoaster ride. So many revelations, too much realizations that I tend to stumble or hide sometimes to silence in fear of losing myself. So many things happened, all of which significantly changed my perception of things. My heart, my mind, my soul has been swayed to so many directions, I think I lost track of where I am supposed to be, and where I’m headed. As much as I want to put these new world concepts in writing just to keep up, I think the task is still incomplete unless I put the changes into use.
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I think I lost a lot of the idealist in me. Most of the things I once believed were either challenged or finally put down to rest. Whenever I think of things I once believed, I see myself then as a better me. This new beta version is still full of bugs, it can’t work smoothly to serve it’s purpose. A lot needs to be reviewed, and re-reviewed. But the past is blurred, you see. I made it so, in the attempt to face the immediate tomorrow with a temporarily strong disposition. But I’ve forseen this moment: I need to find a really strong foundation, just like this foundation that I once saw in UP, which has now grown weak and weary.
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I see life in different colors now. Sometimes, in grayscale- most specially whenever unanswered questions give birth to more questions. Well, I came to realize that, indeed, most questions asked are really not meant to be answered. But to a tired philosopher like me, this could be hard to take at first.
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I believe this version of me is already obsolete. I feel I can’t keep up to how the world turns these days. It always feels that I’m always left out, my thoughts not anymore applicable, nor what I feel towards somebody or something not anymore acceptible.
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Is this what they call the coming of age? Am I ready to grow older than I am right now? Am I ready to cope up with these new challenges, and leave the old me behind… entirely? To the point of leaving even those I hold close to me so dearly?
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Is losing most of myself necessary in the process?
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I’m now in the midst of either a great milestone or life’s lasting dismay. Though my ideas, the things that I’ve lived for, should not suffer, I know it’s time to reevaluate myself. My new version should just be somewhere in between me who is lost now, and me who’s been whole in the past. Me in the dark against the once me who lived in the light. Me in chaos against me who was once certain. I just need to realize where I could see myself in contrast to where I was. And I know just the right place and time for this. A lazy November afternoon in Sunken Garden. Alone.
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Seven years ago, I found this version of me in Baguio, where I came across destiny and took her in my life without uncertainty. I wonder what’s in store for me now… Regardless, I must make sure that whatever comes, I’ll come out a survivor. Because I’ve always been a survivor.
