Musings of the Uninspired

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You get bored on long daily roadtrips. You get your mp3player, plug those earphones in and there goes your thoughts, drifting. Usually, we pick songs to which we can relate to. During trips, it’s relaxing to let the mind sail ahead of you, through memories that happened in the past. You wouldn’t care if you’d sing out loud, or you lipsynch like crazy. You get to your destination either feeling sadder or happier, but contented that time didn’t go to waste.
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Here are the songs to which I always listen to. I guess it’s the soundtrack of my life these days. Of course, my list always is subject to change, like life itself. I love singing to these songs. Reminds me of so many things I’ve gone through, and still going through… Well, actually, people close to me. hehe.
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1. "Love Alone" by Caedmon Call
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"And everyone cries for the innocent / You say to love the guilty too / And I’m surrounded by suffering and sickness / So I’m working tearing back the roof…"
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Give me your hand to hold / ‘Cause I can’t stand to love alone / And love alone is not enough to hold us up / We’ve got to touch your robe / So swing your robe down low  / Swing your robe down low"
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2."4 in the Morning" by Gwen Stefani
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"All I wanted was to know I’m safe / Don’t wanna lose the love I found / Remember when you said that you would change / Don’t let me down"
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3. "Signal Fire" by Snow Patrol
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"The perfect words never crossed my mind / ‘Cause there was nothing in there but you / I felt every ounce of me screaming out / But the sound was trapped deep in me / All I wanted just sped right past me / While I was rooted fast to the earth / I could be stuck here for a thousand years / Without your arms to drag me out…"
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"In the confusion and the aftermath, You are my signal fire, The only resolution and the only joy, Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes…"
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4. "How to Save A Life" by The Fray
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"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness / And I would have stayed up with you all night / Had I known how to save a life"
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5. "Fix You" by Coldplay
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"And high up above or down below / When you’re too in love to let it go / But if you never try you’ll never know / Just what you want…"
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6. "Boston" by Augustana
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"In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun… Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed / This world you must’ve crossed… you said… / You don’t know me, you don’t even care / She said  / You don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains…"
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7. "Photograph" by Nickelback
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"Every memory of walking out the front door / I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for / It’s hard to say it, time to say it / Goodbye, goodbye…"
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8. "Love You Lately" by Daniel Powter
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"So, I might’ve made a few mistakes / But that was back when you would smile / And we would go everywhere / But we ain’t been there for awhile / And this I know, There’s a place that we can go- A place where I can finally let you know…"
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9. "When the Stars Go Blue" by The Corrs and Bono
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"Where do you go when you’re lonely? Where do you go when you’re blue? Where do you go when you’re lonely ? I’ll follow you…"
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10. "You Don’t Know Me" by Jann Arden / Michael Buble
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Hay naku, tama sila. Tama na ang drama. I’ve been reading my entry blogs and found that this has been going on for months na. People I know are starting to think what the hell is going on. I say nothing really, it’s just that I tend to release unnecessary feelings that I’ve been going through recently by "writing it off". Sa totoo lang, sobrang effective na therapy ‘to. I should thank the one who introduced me to blogging (though I don’t remember na kung sino sya…)
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This weekend’s been quite busy yet enlightening. I realized ang dami ko palang naiwan na trabaho which I need to focus now in order to get started with what they always call "moving on." Hah moving on. Two words na ang daling sabihin, ang hirap gawin. Specially if you have two parts of your life that you need to get off from. It’s really hard to search for where to step first, but I know after finding it, it will be easy.
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I went to Fairview before going home last Saturday from work. Ethel needed me to submit her nurse stuff para maka-sweldo from Fatima Regalado as soon as possible (pandagdag sa planong big anniv gimik namin hehe). I passed by UP syempre since office would start at 8, and I’m off from the office by past 6. Syempre, hindi mawawala yung ihinto muna ang kotse sa tabi ng University Ave., took pictures of the old Palma Hall, the waiting shed, Sunken Garden. I even sat on one of those benches… tsk! Such good memories. I’ll post the pics later sa other blogs ko.
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Got commissioned to building websites for two big institutions here in Bulacan. One’s for a college in a local state university, another for a big sweets company which I’d rather not tell muna ’till it’s finished. (But geez, a year supply of pastillas, three boxes a week, is more than enough already hehe). It’s going to make me busy for the next couple of months, but it’s worth it. Besides, perhaps the reason why my mind were drifting off to things unnecessary was because I had lotsa time for ‘em. Time to be productive and be proud of what I’m capable of. No time for trying to reach something that I’m really not built for.
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Found it’s Mai’s birthday next week. I wonder what gift would make my favorite li’l sister smile. Hmmm…. Also, I have a movie date with a friend coming this week. I wonder how our skeds would meet if she’s workin on day shift?! Hehe. Bahala na. I’m sure we’re bound to enjoy it since matagal-tagal na rin kaming hindi nagkikita ulit. I wonder how she is.
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I’m obviously excited for things to come. They’re new-old ones. Some things from which my attention was diverted, but I’d gladly return to them now since I know those things would make my mind turn its’ wheels again. Some things I’m really interested at. Some things that I really appreciate.
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"Pillow, I know the goodness in your heart sometimes surpasses your
desire to better yourself. And it’s really nice, not until it already is
damaging to you. For the sake of those you truly loves you, please stop
being a hero and start thinking of your well-being. Stop giving your
all to people you don’t really know or conceal who they really are from
you. Let not others hurt you by taking advantage of your kindness, and
throw it against you in the end. Let not others treat you less than what you deserve and
tell you things that would make it seem okay.
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Instead, show them that you
can live without them just as how they can go on as if you haven’t
touched their lives. Later on, in the absence of your warmth and sincerity, of your jolly laughter, your sweet embrace, the feeling of being safe brought about by your presence, and the brightness of what friendship means to you, they will realize a great loss just as how I
realized mine when I first left you long ago…"

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The loss of a very good friend just recently thought me a lot of lessons that I think would stick to my mind and will affect how I would be in the coming years. Poor me for I had to learn about this and had my eyes opened to reality so painstakingly. I never noticed that I had been trying to keep up for a year now, and it had already exhausted almost all my self-esteem. It is almost lost that just a small sting hurts like hell.

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Perhaps it has left a permanent mark on me that will remind me everyday
that I am no longer what used to be a young, radiant boy that could
sweep everyone off their feet. Oh yes, I’m getting old. At 28, it already feels like 40. It feels like it, for I’m already tired of pushing myself to circles that I thought I’d belong only to find out in the end that given the easiest of conditions, I’d be the first one to be voted off. The fall guy, so to speak.

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It wasn’t such a pain before, though, since I had someone always there not to make things really obvious. But now that she’s up there already, and there’s no one left when the tide leaves the shore, to make me feel fine and say it’s alright, it makes me realize that it’s time to decide whether to keep or back off from remaining bonds that will define who I’d want to be. And how clear and unblemished thoughts could get specially when you’ve become tired, numb and bitter.

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I don’t want to be the fall guy anymore. I don’t want to be the one left behind. I want to be again what I used to be before I set foot on this city- The one who stands tall and proud by aiming to excellence at whatever I do. The one who’s looked up to, not looked down upon. The one who does not tolerate compromises, even for himself.

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My angel, once my most dependable person in the world, sees me special. Someone who is worth keeping no matter what. Regardless of how others treat me or think of me. She sees beneath the tired, stressed and lonesome guy as she saw who I really was in my youth. And she believed in everything I could do even in her last breath.

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This is the only thing that she left in this world for me that I’d want to keep as her legacy. And I will not let anyone, even myself, break it nor question it again. For it’s sake, I will not change myself from now on just so I can belong, try to keep up, or compromise.

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If there are a lot of lessons learned, I’d most likely start living by it with this one: That the meaning of words are superficial. I need not read between the lines anymore, for it’s true- what I always see is what I actually get. And what I actually get is what I should always deal with. Nothing more.

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The days of my being gullible are over. With my heart set aside and choices of what to lose or cherish already made, it’s time to go back to being a critical thinker, masked as the selfish, numb, bitter and sarcastic one. No more looking and expecting from outside circles. The real me will be Katie’s legacy, and shown only to those who’d see me the way she did. To those who really care.