Musings of the Uninspired

You know what they say about actions speaking louder than words?
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It’s
all clear now. Clearer than how it was the moment I started and ended
that conversation that proved nothing but one thing…
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You choose to see me through very limited perspective. Thus, you never got what I had to say.
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What
totally infuriates me is the fact that in the middle of opening my
heart to you as a friend, you’d roll your eyes, ignore what I had to
say, even take away your attention just so you can discuss with another
breakfast, jogging or whatever things you should have been planning on
doing if only a conversation like that never happened.
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In the
midst of tears and weaknesses of a man revealed and a point that I had
been trying to point out for the longest time now, that’s the most
rude, insincere and insensitive thing anyone in my life could have done
to me.
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Both of you would have been thinking here’s someone so
drunk and emotional he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Sadly, I’m not even sure if you’ve listened to me at all, after everything
that I’ve said.
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But fact is, I exactly knew what I was talking
about, and I could clearly remember all your reactions. The tears were
real. They were the usual drama, but you failed to see the reason
behind it. Again.
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And you’ve rolled your eyes on me for the last time, I swear.
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If
there’s something that I’ve learned from you, it’s this: that you have
never considered or fully accepted that I am simply your friend.
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Oh you can call this immature, childish, whatever you want. I don’t care. This is what I feel, and the point is, you never had ears to listen. It’s a fact so established now- that
this so-called friendship is never worth fighting for. You never fought
for it, you just sit there and watched it rot while enjoying new ones.
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That amidst my weaknesses, you never trusted me.
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All I was to you was someone whose not worthy to keep a lasting friendship. Someone who’d probably take advantage of you given a moment of revealed
weaknesses, like how my past sins that you seemed to have already
condemned me of were. Come to think of it, I’m probably just someone
who once amazed you at some point, but got so boring and now became
just a sickening nuisance to you, and now even to your family, your
health, your entire life…
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And I’m so damn tired of
trying to exactly know what I really am to you. It seems that whenever I’m left clueless and try to challenge the ceasefire, or defy the
status quo,  to know at least a little of what’s been going on, it gets even worse, doesn’t it? It’s terrible to now know
how it has affected people around you. Terrible…
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I’ll no
longer try to prove anything from this point on. I don’t want to cause
any unwanted hurt anymore. No point has been taken since your ears had
always been closed anyway. So I call it quits.
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And I quit. We
have no more concerns between us anymore, I’m calling it all off. I’m
done blindly trying to defend you whenever I hear things about you. I’m
done blindly hoping that behind all the rudeness, coldness,
insensitivities, etc. There will come a day when we could at least
catch up like old friends that we were (or could have been). I’m tired
of feeling the hopelessness of having to deal with people who tries to
destroy you, and to deal with the fact that the one friend I’m trying
to defend never wanted it afterall.
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So include me in the list of
your estranged friends if you must, I don’t care. Being in the same
office makes this situation difficult for me, though I know for you
it’s nothing new. (If it was hard for you as well, you surely knew how
to handle it.) Some would probably just go away given this same
situation, but I choose to stand my ground for obvious reasons. You’d
probably show this email to him to prove something I will never
comprehend, just like a year ago when i felt so betrayed, but I don’t
care anymore. I promise you’ll never hear a thing from me ever again.
No pathetic blogs, IM tags, no emails like this. Nothing. I’ll stop
reading your blog too, from now on. It seems that a friend’s attempts
to care or at least be aware of how you are are futile and unnecessary
anyway.
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You have the weirdest concept to friendship, something
that people you meet would probably have to endure for now, something
that the world has still yet to define and understand.
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Let’s
consider each other as just mere colleagues in the office from now on.
Nothing else. At least by that, I’d exactly know who I am to you. I don’t know you more than just a co-worker, that’s it. No questions asked
and left unanswered. From now on, at least the silence, the coldness
and indifference are not left unjustified.
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You want to get rid of someone without looking like the most cruel person on earth? Teach him that being alone in the world is but a part of human nature’s survival, in that crucial time when being alone is poison to his crumbling self-esteem. Teach a compassionate heart the leisures of being numb, passive and rude. Teach a soul that sincerity is too good to be true, and that every act is fueled by underlying intentions. That all that kindness can ever cause is fear, that it can never be accepted by anyone as simply what it is. That only pain bears embracing the truth.
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A slow process, but you’ll never know what wonders it could bring once someone begins to hate the innocence from which he had immersed and regrets the moments when he seemed so clueless against the rest who had been laughing at his back all along. After disrespect and disregard, he’ll learn to stand up and regather his shattered confidence eventually, completely shedding away what the world see as his weaknesses, bearing an unbeating heart that one would say his greatest strength, though how could strength be attributed to someone whose can’t feel anything like the dead?
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And you’ll be glad that you’ve let someone learn how to walk alone, regardless if it’s away from you, with his back turned against you and complete indifference is an inevitable price to pay. At last, you can walk you own path without guilt. It will be a great accomplishment. Such a great mentor you claim you are. Phoey.
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"By saying ‘An unexamined life is not worth living’, Socrates believed that the purpose of human life was personal and spiritual growth. To Socrates, questioning why one lives their life the way they do was of utmost importance. Sometimes one would think that by being ignorant to or simply avoiding things more complex than ourselves we will be able to get away from it. Like closing our eyes in the dark to avoid the experience of fear of the dark, not to overcome it. However, ignorance is not altogether bliss, as it is always part of being human to be inclined to know everything that composes life itself, most specially those we don’t know but aware of it’s unavoidable existence. We are unable to grow toward greater understanding of our true nature unless we take time to face, examine and reflect upon our life. This is very similar to a Filipino saying ‘Ang hindi tumingin sa pinanggalinan ay di makararating sa pinaroroonan.’
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Analysis and introspection are the two most important parts of life. He who does not remember and deal with the past is condemned to repeat it. In my opinion, the purpose of human life is personal and spiritual growth, we are unable to grow toward greater understanding of our true nature unless we take time to examine and reflect upon our life.
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Living an examined life forces a person to evaluate what are the most important aspects to life. Most people don’t realize how vital relationships are to a quality life, for instance. When a person realizes that relationships of any kind are an incredible blessing regardless of the risks involved, he/she is willing to take time and effort to cultivate them instead of simply taking them for granted. Living an examined life allows for both time, resources and effort to be spent building life-long relationships. Without accepting it, and further reassessing from time to time, it’s worth will not be realized."
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- an excerpt from "Plato’s Apology: A Review" that I wrote for a friend just a few days ago. I miss my Philosophy classes. =)

Apart from our families and lifetime friends, there are two types of people we deal with almost everyday- people who, should I say, are mainstays in the daily sitcom of a guy/girl living in the blissful hands of the corporate world that evolves mostly at either home or in the office. One we call friends. The other, just colleagues.
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Colleagues are people who you share at least eight hours in the office. They are the ones who would remind you of things you should or should not do in the office. They are aware of your existence only once it enters the four corners of the workplace. Outside of it, you might exist, but you don’t matter. As long as you meet your stats and you don’t affect how they work and perform according to how they would, they’d be there for you. Heck, they’d even stand by you if they want to. Give you anything you need. Talk to you if either necessary or if they just fancy talking. Play tricks on you, throw you smiles, give you cold shoulders and grudges if only they feel like it. How they know you is shallow. It won’t matter. They won’t ask why you look tired or stressed out, or happy or extremely jolly. They won’t bother telling you if your zipper’s open or you have morning glory on your face. They’ll pass by you like the wind. As long as you’re there in the office, as long as you’re doing a job well done, as long as you’re aware that you are part of the team, you’re good, you’re nice, you can even be the best. Take away all other things that define yourself and it’s all the same. You are a co-worker equipped with a heart and a brain, but regardless, you’re still just a co-worker.
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Friends, on the other hand, are colleagues with a twist. Each other’s sense of worth are strengthened simply because they know their existence are not anymore limited by policies, of meeting the standards, of keeping up as a team. They know you by heart. They recognize that both your weaknesses and strengths define who you are, and respect you as a person for that. They’d throw advises beyond what you require at work. They’d listen and share their opinions, but never will they force you to change as they know it’s your choice and not theirs. Your moodswings, your joys, your tears, your laughter, your problems and fears, your dreams and ambitions, your misdeeds and your accomplishments- they know it’s all part of the equation of who you really are. You are not seen by your ups and downs, and most specially not judged by it. They are there to listen, to stand by you when you fall sometimes, but never do they expect nor rid you of their respect. And never do they let others disrespect you. Their presence sooth you in the most depressing times, and whereas colleagues remind you of how strenuous it is to deal with work, friends remind you that no matter how tiring work is, it’s never forever, all will be done after your shift.
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Your existence and worth go beyond the borders of the office place. Though not necessarily made to be felt all the time, their warmth somehow soothes coldness brought about by the corporate atmosphere and being away from your real home. They are a piece of a feeling of home away from home, so to speak. Amidst the many reasons not to go to work, you know you’d still want to- whenever you wake up in the morning and think that you’d be going to work again, they’d surely be one of those on top of the list why you want to go anyway. That’s the defining feature of being a friend apart from colleagues- you look forward to seeing them around, no matter if they’re around eight hours every damn day of your life. Whereas colleagues won’t bother having you around after work, friends will always look forward to inviting the other for a cup of coffee, for a night-out, for a weekend getaway, for a stroll in the park just for the heck of it. And in your absence, whereas colleagues would think that you’d be returning soon anyway so what the heck, friends would make you feel that you’re really missed, and it’s a bit different when you’re not around.
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Some or most could be in an in-process status, depending on how long you’ve been in the office already. colleagues slowly turning to friends, friends slowly drifting apart to being just colleagues. When colleagues become friends, the border between these two qualities become hard to recognize. And it’s a happy refreshing thrill whenever you’re reminded of how the friendship slowly forms. Once strangers, you become attached first because of work, then deeper than that that co-existing in the workplace always brings contentment- because from no-one, you know you’re becoming someone. Someone to share alcohol with, someone to share jokes and comedy videos from YouTube, perhaps, someone to share DVDs with, someone whom you could always invite for a walk or a short ride home, someone to have coffee or yosi breaks with and everything that comes with that.
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Aside from that, you’d always think how to better each one’s standing not only at work- as friends, you’d wish the best in everything towards each other. Like siblings in the family, they’d watch over each other. Otherwise, friends turned to mere colleagues is a sad unfortunate thing. It will always be a puzzle when it happened, how it happened, why it happened, and how it even became possible. It’s like unbuilding a puzzle that you’ve tried solving for a long time. You’ve known and grown with the person only to realize in the end that your paths would grow apart. Worse, you’d even end up hating each other for having left each other for granted regardless of each other’s worth once realized.
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You’re probably kidding if you’d say your going to work just because of work. Like they always say, no man is an island. It’s just a matter of which island you end up on or you choose to be on if you want eight hours of your everyday life worth keeping.

You people would probably ask why I have deleted some entries here. Simple. I woke up today with a different light shining upon my face. The last entry which I deleted just now had me thought how stupid I could get when emotions get in the way. My tall friend is right, I need to go back to being the analytic smart Peyups thinker. The heart’s been scourged so bad it’s time to keep and lock it in a chest. Dreams deconstructed, then thrown away, should be forgotten. Good intentions misinterpreted should never show again. Words misread in every instance should never be said again. Isn’t it time to let go of pathetic hopes and see things as they are?
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It’s been so long, actually a year now, since I began seeing myself as the rejected one. Someone who’s probably easy to forget, discard, disrespect, misjudge or to forget. True, actually. I’ve seen a lot of things which I thought had caused special things thrown to the trashcan, as if I haven’t caused any sort of good change. Affecting somebody was all I had in mind, and perhaps in my heart.
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I learn slowly, that’s for sure. It’s a lost cause. And it’s only now that I realized that if ever I need to move on, I’ll need to adapt some approach that really would really show who I am NOT, but really IS necessary.
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I need to learn how to forget, and later discard. It’s something that’s been taught to me lately almost everyday. It has changed me, it’s time to live by these changes.
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So I’m starting here. No more of those entries of self-pity and remorse. It’s a message always misread anyway. And what’s the use of letting anyone read something about me where no one really knows who I am, even those who I thought were closest to me.
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Fact is, there really is nothing out there. There’s so much I could offer, but no one’s worthy enough to be affected by it.
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So from now on I’ll just ignore, take things lightly, never read between the lines and hope that there is some hidden meaning to anything puzzling. Again, what I’ll see is what I’ll get. No more games. No more flirting with danger. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Show me rudeness, show me cruelty, and the world will know how cruel I could get. My silence will be not of submitting myself to what others think I deserve. This time, I’ll make sure it will sting.
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No more feeling special, for I’m tired of being treated as one. If there’s anything I’ve learned lately, it’s that being treated special only causes fear. Fear of losing, perhaps. Fear of falling. And there are so much misinterpretations that come with it that it could get so sickening. And I’m tired of expectations. I’m not really special.  I’m just a normal guy, a friend like others. And as much as I want to change that, there’s really no turning back once the weaknesses only my eyes are already revealed. So it’s time to turn my back now. Time to disappear in the crowd.
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Saying goodbye everyday will be difficult, specially if it means shedding off things that I used to be. Living by it is more difficult. But it’s never a matter of choice, for it’s the only choice left for me.
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And to you who resolves to avoiding me because of some fear of something that wouldn’t even happen if you’ll just put trust in yourself and me… there’s no use of trying to reach out if that’s the case, isn’t it? So, continue reading and misreading my words if you must. The hell do I care if you make and be as close like we WERE with friends. The hell do I care about your circles. I’m already content knowing that there is one definite answer to the distance, indifference and coldness that’s been going on between us. That it’s your choice, never mine.
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And oh… HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY.

I never had a little sister. Eversince, I always thought how it is to have one. I see friends and how they treat their sisters, and how having a female counterpart at home, either (or both) an arch enemy or the closest friend they could ever have, have affected who they are as a person. If the sister is older, they get to have a second mom in the house. If she’s younger, definitely someone to look after 24/7, specially when she comes to puberty, when the world seems to be a little more dangerous for her to the big brother. Familiarity could really put wonders good and bad at the same time to an ideal relationship. Seeing my friends grow up with sisters in the family, it seems that for them, getting used to it makes things a little bit happy, specially when they miss each other. It never feels home without her.
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Speaking of younger sister, a year has already passed since I first  met this wonderful wondergirl by the name of Maimai. She first arrived in the office wearing that smile that I had always taken as something that more complements the venturesome life of a young lady in her eyes. My first impressions of her were not that exciting- BEAUTIFUL and SMART. At first glance, you’d say Maimai’s signature is her hair. She wears this big lump of hair that one would say it wouldn’t look nice if it were worn by somebody else. Up to now, I don’t know how she get to manage that much hair on top of her head, and how she ends up still lovely even as the day ends. Well, that could be another one of those secrets women live by everyday, much to men’s confusion hehe.
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Once I said hey! This girl will make it in the IT field or maybe anywhere she wants to go. She has the potentials. Obviously the guts. She could get too easygoing at times, but nah, why get yourself weary while in such a happy stage in life- she’ll get by eventually. And got by she did, eventually. Actually, more than that.
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I was lucky enough to be her seatmate for three rather short months thanks to the annual reshuffling in the office. Those are short but truly memorable months, thus adding much more to initial impressions of her. You see, at first glance in the office, you’d see this girl is most of the time… quiet. It’s as if her mouth becomes inoperative when a keyboard is at hand- she talks a lot, but only if you are in a chat window where you can talk in turns. Out of Windows XP beyond the monitor screen though, when you get to see her life entirely, it’s a different story. Lucky me to have had actually witnessed what’s going on recently.
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She has inside a kind heart that must have grown from a life entirely simple- simple parents who looks after her as a unica ija, simple yet definite direction in terms of career and professional life, simple regards towards the complexities of relationships of all sorts, a simple yet irresistible sense of fun, a simple view about life per se… yet you know that in this world of irritating sophistication, it is but always refreshing to be around with someone who’d always gladly answer "hay naku… kaya mo yan!" and feel that it has answered all the annoying turmoil that has bombarded you for a day.
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And admittedly then, as someone A BIT (see the bold letters there?) older than her, being her seatmate had me feel a sort of comfortable familiarity of being a brother (a "kooya", so to speak) in the office. I’d gladly listen to her woes (specially then when it was either about matters of the heart or matters in the office) and she’d gladly listen to mine, too. She’d offer simple words of advise, or sometimes she’d just shrug her shoulders and say "Ganu’n talaga…" But plain as it is, it’s always received with gratitude, for that’s worthy a reason enough to smile and forget for just a while.
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She’d ask me for advise or some thoughts to think about regarding certain situations, and though I’m really not a Joe D’Mango nor confident in myself enough to give out some useful advise (clumsy me in life, as you can see…), seeing her all-ears at me felt as if it was about time to believe I’m not half-bad at all. And seeing her walk away from all the hassles she’s been through makes one feel that if she can do it well enough that can better herself, so can I. She has a lot to learn, but what’s good about her is that she knows about it but does not fear to dare the world and let herself face everything that would make her learn and grow as a person. She’d sometimes fall, she’d shed tears at times, even get crazy and all, but after shouting out some written grievances and letting and sharing it all out with those closest to her heart, her confidence in herself eventually lets her stand again victorious. Yup! The classic story of a girl turning out to be a lady.
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I’d say I am fortunate and blessed to get to know her better up to now. She’s been through a lot lately- hearing her stories, simply just being (though rarely) with her during down times or "wala lang" times, getting me worried occasionally, watching her all smiles and prepped up while she gets back in the game, go by and enjoy life as a young girl, seeing her get by through all of it still with finesse and confidence, standing all mighty and proud as she continues to unravel the world (almost weekly pa nga eh)- witnessing her life not just as a colleague (former colleague, that is hehe) but as a person makes a part of this me feel really happy, confident and contented as a friend and a "kooya".
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My little sis. A wondergirl. A true friend. My treasure box of confidence. Thanks, Mai. And oh… HAPPY BIRTHDAY!