Musings of the Uninspired

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I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve become
But something told me to run
And baby, you know me; it’s all or none
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There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening
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‘Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could turn my back upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cos he will take care of you more than I could
He who dares to stand where I stood
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See I thought it was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain’t leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
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‘Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could turn my back upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cos he will care for you more than I could
He who dares to stand where I stood
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So I will be far from where you are if ever you should call
Though you meant real to me than anything at all,
You taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do…
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‘Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don’t know if I could turn my back upon you
All I know is that I should
‘Cos he will take care of you more than I could
He who dares to stand where I stood
He who dares to stand where I stood
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There are just some songs that would make you want to cry. Amidst all attempts to forget the past, there will always be a moment where silence will conquer you inner strength. You let yourself be pulled in, and the next thing you know- you are again re-living the past that you thought had already stopped haunting you. You feel the scar that was once a deep cut of which pain throbs hard into your weak soul. Then you look up in the sky thinking why you deserve such memories of unwilling hurtings. .
Really, they should stop writing these songs. Or I should learn how not to listen to them. Cuz it’s a known fact that unlike perhaps many others who may possess cold hearts, this weary traveller is not capable of pushing those memories away… as if it happened ten years ago.
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I want to write poems again, but I never got the inspiration to do so. Back when I was still in college, I’d definitely write about (or do a sketch of) anything good that passes by my head. Afterwards, I’d show it to who I dedicate it to. I used to write for Ethel a lot, and I remember the feeling of as if I could fly while she smiles while reading it. I’d write about it now… but I don’t know. I just don’t have the inspiration to do so.
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I want to write about a simple lovestory that ends sadly. It’s always been a plan, but I never had the chance to complete whatever things I come up with. Once I was able to create a whole draft of the story. I saved it on a PC only to lose it later on because of a grave system crash. All that’s left are some parts of the story still in my memory, but my memory fails me sometimes. What a pity.
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The story? It will not an attempt to deviate from the usual "happily ever after", but just to show that anyone could still be happy in a bigger picture.
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I want to write about a girl. This girl saves a guy from falling to his death. He slipped from a cliff while composing lyrics that he thinks would be the best rock song ever. Later in the story, he’d realize that he came up not with a rock song, but a cheesy love song because of this girl. It didn’t even appear in the charts, but he was able to win her heart.
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I want to write a sequel to that story. But this time, it will be a graphic novel. It needs to be illustrated, because I’d like to see how the girl’s character comes to life, this time. In the story, this guy would discover that she can fly. That she flew when she saved her from the cliff. It turns out that the girl is a heroine in hiding. Aside from the fact that her greatest nemesis had disappeared without a trace, she had this thought of resigning from the job, for the world’s concerns are just too much for her to handle. 
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I want to write a movie about soulmates. Not that "Magic to Win" type of a flick- but something that would redefine our usual concept of life, afterlife, love and God. I’d like to tackle on how necessary our existence is regardless of how small we are compared to the universe. I think it will be much more of an interpretation to the book "Conversations with God". And yes, it will be a three part film. First part will deal with defying death because of love. Second will be about going against (and being defeated by) what’s destined. Third is accepting one’s destiny even if it’s against what the heart dictates. How’s it going to be epic? There’s war in the end of the story. How’s it gonna fit the story? Well… it’s a work in progress. But for sure, everything will still be about that girl who could fly, but fell in the end.
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Why do I write about this now? Maybe when I get filthy rich and old, retire from work and has nothing to do while sitting around at home, I’d come across this post and be reminded that I once planned to write a nice poem, a good story, or produce a great epic film. And there’s still lots of time to do so. God, I hope there’s still internet and blogs when that time comes.
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I just want to share this. I got this as a forwarded message from a
friend in the office. I don’t know… if I am to be put in a situation
the same as what’s described in the story, surely I’d be totally
crushed. My prayers to him and to all who got affected. And to the
people responsible for this unfortunate incident, who claim that this
is for a certain noble cause- if your cause would take away the life of
a loving mother to an innocent child, then your concept of "noble" is
horribly twisted and never ever acceptable.
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Good day everyone,
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I wish I were writing under different circumstances.
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I would like to inform you that my wife Leslie Cruz was part of the casualties in the Glorietta 2 Mall bombing in Makati City , Philippines . She was supposed to have a minor out patient surgery at Makati Medical Center at 230pm.
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I had taken a leave from work to accompany her there.
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We dropped off our daughter, Amber, at my parents place in QC to babysit at around 10am. We then proceeded to Makati and was there at 1230pm. Since she had been fasting in preparation for her procedure, she wanted to move around and listen to some music while I grabbed a bite to eat. We parked at the basement of Park Square 2, and headed for the Glorietta 2 entrance. We parted at the top of the escalator, she turned right towards Filbar’s while I went left towards the restaurants. That was the last time I would see her.
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Around 120pm, she had called me so that we can meet at the Glorietta 2 exit just in time to make her appointment. As I made my way there from Glorietta 1 through the connecting hallways, and was about to turn the corner, I heard 2 deep thumps and the shock-wave from the blast hit me. At that moment my heart dropped as I knew that the origin of the blast came from the same place where we were supposed to meet. I tried getting to where my wife was, but the dust was too much and it was as if I was staring at a white wall.
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I still tried to convince myself that she was able to make it out, and that after ringing her mobile without a response only meant that she dropped it in the confusion. After 6 hours of searching from Makati Med. to Ospital ng Makati , the blast site, and back again to MMC - with the help of all the people I could get hold of, that I was able to get confirmation in what the state of my wife was.
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My Dad and Uncle signaled me in from the ER of MMC. My Uncle (who’s a doctor) asked me to describe Leslie’s appearance to another group of doctors. I saw in the eyes of one that the description made sense. Instead of confirming it to me, they huddled together, then brought me to a small examination room. It was only through a digital camera that I was able to confirm (and deny) that she was indeed gone.
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I have so many regrets. I should have met her sooner.
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I should have ran instead of a brisk walk. I should have not chose to park where I did. I should have braved the dust and went in the blast site. I should have …
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Today’s the 4th day. It is still terribly difficult to breathe, let alone wake up realizing that your source of strength, your best friend doesn’t lie beside you on your bed. That my deepest worry is when Amber starts asking for her Mama.
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I am glad that Amber’s too young to understand the loss and pain. In time I would like to tell her the details of how her mother died, but more importantly I would like to raise her as how her mother lived - a loving person, strong willed, decisive, caring, and nurturing. She has always cared for her family and friends, and sacrfied her career for being a full time mom and home maker.
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As with all couples we had our ups and downs - none of which I regret not going through. The sweet is never as sweet without the sour. For almost 4 years of marriage, we’ve finally hit our balance in life only to be taken away in an instant. I have no regrets about our marriage. She has loved me and Amber beyond her capacity. I will always love her.
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It is my first time to write to egroup as I’ve lurked and watched emails being sent to and fro. All I want now is that for each of the couples here is to cherish each moment that we spend with our loved ones. Pretty simple to say, very easy to take for granted.
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Thank you all for the prayers. I would still like to ask you to please include Leslie in them until her 40th day so that the path to God’s kingdom is well lit and she is no longer in the dark.
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Sincerely,
Carlo Cruz
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"Hi, Dr. Stevens. Can I sit beside you just for a moment?"
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Okay. We’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy for almost a year now, and it’s a known fact in the pink house that the world stops whenever we get to watch a new episode. Season 4 is already up and running now and anyone could feel the excitement whenever a new episode becomes available only. Oh the drama, the suspense, the comedy… We’re on episode 3 now, by the way. Or, to put it more specifically, I’m downloading it right now so that we can watch it later tonight.
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Before I go on, let me just say how I love Dr. Stevens. Hehe… Yup! Grey’s Anatomy is more than a series. It has become a hype.
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During our 5-days stay in UST, I once had a small talk with a young intern who apparently already had spent 32 hours in the hospital’s emergency room.
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Jokingly, I asked, "So, is it like Grey’s Anatomy here?"
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She said, "Yup, same toxic atmosphere, though there’s no hot steaming love story going on around here." Her face looked as if she almost ended that with “…unfortunately.”
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"Really? No McDreamy or McSteamy?"
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"Nope. All of ‘em look more like House to me."
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Funny.
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And somewhat weird, actually. I got almost the same conversation back then when Dr. Ali Dacanay just got in Chicago days after she started a new medical career there. (Hi, Doc! How’s life out there so far?)
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Aside from how we’ve grown to love each character, what’s interesting about this series is that it got me off that weird sickly feeling that makes me want to throw up whenever I see scenes in the operating room. Actually, I still do, especially whenever Ethel watches that one show from channel C5 where they feature actual operating procedures- thus blood, blood and more blood. Oh I used to loathe seeing that red substance coming out of anyone’s anatomy. Maybe having been so hooked up in the story and the characters had rid me of such horrible mood.
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Let me just say again- I love Dr. Stevens.
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Speaking of love stories, here’s the thing: One good reason to watch Grey’s Anatomy is that it’s always nice to know how pair-ups go on in the said series. You’ve got to admit that you always wanted to know who Dr. Grey would choose between Dr. Shepherd and that veterinarian guy. (The term “Veterinarian guy” was used a couple of times in some episodes, take note.) And now, the question is whether or not Dr. O’Malley would choose passion over obligation. Is it Dr. Stevens or Dr. Torres? Will authority affect the steaming loveship that could only happen on the side? Will Dr. Burke be back in the series? (I have high doubts about it, but at

least, will he have a cameo appearance?)
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It’s the new Melrose Place. Aside from what’s already there, one could still think of other possible pair-ups that could happen in the future. This, of course, leads to who you think is the best pair-up, so far. So far until the last episode of season three, the list says the following, although this doesn’t include guest appearances yet:
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-    Meredith Grey loves Derek Shepherd
-    Cristina Yang used to love Preston Burke
-    Izzie Stevens loves George O’Malley
-    George O’Malley is married to Callie Torres
-    Callie Torres went hanky-panky with Mark Sloan
-    Mark Sloan still loves Addison Shepherd
-    Addison Shepherd loves Derek Shepherd
-    Alex Karev used to love Izzie Stevens
-    Is George O’Malley still in love with Meredith Grey?
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And now in the new season…
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-    Lexie Grey hits on Derek Shepherd
-    George O’Malley loves Izzie Stevens, too!
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Anyway, I’d say between George-Izzie and Izzie-Alex, my vote still goes to the former. This shows how I always go for stories about the most charming princess choosing the silent, shy and somewhat clumsy non-macho type over everyone else. (Relate!!) However, if Denny were still alive, I’d definitely be at a loss. My heart was sinking on every scene of that episode when Denny died. Poor Izzie.
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So, amidst the blood spraying out of a patient’s veins on the operating room, I still see myself watching Grey’s Anatomy till it lasts. Besides, it’s quality time with my wife, who definitely is head over heels for Derek Shepherd. If she was to write this entry, it’ll be all about how gorgeous this McDreamy is, I’m sure. Heh. I’m still your ever dedicated McHusband, you know. Love you.
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"In the hospital, we see addiction every day. It’s shocking, how many
kinds of addiction exist. It would be too easy if it was just drugs and
booze and cigarettes. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is
wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often,
too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life at
some point cross the line to obsessive, compulsive, out of control.
It’s the high we’re chasing, the high that makes everything else fade
away." –Dr. Meredith Grey, "Love/Addiction" Episode 2 Season 4

I always thought that, as a father, I already knew how others meant and feel when other parents say "Sana, ako na lang ang magkasakit kaysa ang anak ko." ("I wish I’d be the one who’d fall sick instead of my child.")
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My son’s been sick since last weekend due to recurring fever. I’d like to think that it’s just an ordinary case that they fondly call "lagnat-laki". But unfortunately we found out it’s something else. Something more serious. Good thing, though, we were able to see it when we took Luke to the hospital for his checkup.
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Dr. Jaucian, a good pediatrician from UST, found in Luke’s abdomen X-ray that he might have a congenital sickness known as the Hirschsprung’s Disease. You may look it up in Google or Wikipedia, but to give an idea of what it is- it’s an abnormal growth of the colon where the nerves (or the absence of it) fails to complete the end functions of the digestive system. Luke had been exhibiting some of the symptoms like frequent constipation and lack of appetite since he was little. We weren’t really paying attention to those symptoms until now since it happens only once in a while. Besides, Luke has always been one healthy lively brat, and no one would think that he’s keeping something inside that might lead to health dangers someday.
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The doctor wasn’t sure about the Hirschsprung theory at first, so she suggested that we spend five days in the hospital for Luke’s regulated intake of antibiotics and more tests. If it were just a simple reason that would cause this much change in my routines, I would complain. But this time, it never felt that way. It even felt that I’d exchange all my time elsewhere for time to spend beside my family, and all my resources just to be, at least, sure of what the status of my Luke’s health is. I could not think of myself being anywhere but in Luke’s room even if it’d take us months to stay there.
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Just this afternoon, two days before we go home hopefully, we took poor Lukas to another X-ray session for what they call a barrium enema. It’s just a standard procedure where it would not really hurt the patient. But of course any child would be terrified by the sight of being probed using a big machine staring him in the face. Even I who stood there only a spectator could not bear the fear in his eyes while Luke struggled and Ethel was trying to convince him that it’s going to be okay.
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I stayed behind my wife while trying to cheer up the kid. I didn’t want to see her husband’s eyes all devastated by what’s been happening. But it was all so difficult to handle, and the tears all so difficult to hide. (Good thing Ethel and I were able to withstand all this. Though it was all too emotionally tough to handle that, if I were the only one there I’d probably break down right there and then.) Fortunately, I was still able to stand my ground. I could only tell Ethel it’s going to be okay and give her a warm embrace, though I know we can’t tell what really is until the doctor says so. But what can I really say during those sad moments?
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I think a promise of a Jollibee happy meal with a Power Ranger toy helped cheer up Luke a bit. The procedure went fine afterwards- her mother sitting beside him while I sit beside the doctor while she operates the xray machine and entertains all my not-so-medically-smart questions patiently. Dr. Jaucian did mention that she can’t find any sort of a problem while probing Luke’s innards, except the fact that his large intestine is longer than normal, which is still okay as long as there’s nothing stuck inside. Indeed, my theory is beginning to shed light- there’s nothing wrong, it’s just that the kid had been on a terrible kind of diet ever since he learned how to eat hotdogs and ham instead of vegetables.
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The doctor hasn’t given the final verdict yet, but there’s a big chance that Luke may not need an operation for the Hirschsprung’s Disease, for he may not have it at all. We’re praying that this is just a case of us finally learning the lesson that Luke needs to be disciplined to eat healthy food and that’s it.
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I can’t wait to bring my family back home healthy and safe at last. For now, at least I see Luke lively and eating again now, while playing with his Power Ranger SPD toy.
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